Letting Go Of Anger

Duang Dow Tavee

Anger is the emotional response we have to something that is obstructive to our pursuit of happiness or threatens our way of living. This basic human reaction can be expressed in a variety of different ways depending on the individual and situation. At one extreme, anger is mild irritation at missing a stoplight or getting stuck in a long line at the store. It expressed as a look of disapproval or perhaps a swear word under the breath, but the emotion is limited to the situation itself and ends within a matter of minutes.

If the anger is held within for a prolonged period of time and tension is allowed to build in the manner of a pressure cooker, an emotional explosion can occur at the smallest stimulus. This can sometimes lead to the other extreme of anger, which is the state of rage. This is the most dangerous type of anger as it often results in a total loss of self-control. The physical manifestations of rage are readily apparent to the observer. The face hardens becoming unrecognizable, the voice changes, and a barrage of verbal thrashings is unleashed upon the object of anger. Worse yet is when the anger is directed at the innocent - friends, family members, or people just in the vicinity. The loss of self awareness can easily lead to acts of violence out of hatred and vengeance. All forms of reasoning completely disappear and the desire to destroy and inflict pain is overwhelming, driving some to commit murder.

By now, we've all heard the news stories about violence in the workplace by disgruntled postal workers, stock brokers, and computer programmers. Driven by anger at the government, the world, and life in general, they open fire on their fellow co-workers taking out as many people as they can before doing themselves in. This level of violence has now extended into the schoolyards with students killing teachers and their fellow classmates. The perils of anger have become readily apparent to all of society.

Where does all this anger come from? Much of it stems from patterns of behavior formed in childhood. The pattern of anger belonging to the spoiled child who rants and raves when he does not get his way carries over into adulthood and becomes a habit unchanged by time. This is the simplest pattern of anger to recognize as we have all felt this to some degree when our needs and desires are not met. In many cases, it may actually originate in the adult who was not spoiled as a child but through wealth and power acquired later in life becomes accustomed to getting whatever he wants. The respect and admiration he receives for his position of power or material possessions constantly feed his ego, and he becomes arrogant and easily annoyed if someone does not treat him in the manner he is used to.

A more complex pattern is seen in children who lack self-esteem due to a number of reasons including physical or mental abuse, emotional trauma, or excessive control by their parents. The loss of self-confidence and a sense of autonomy result in a vulnerability to criticism from others and themselves. As they get older, the vulnerability turns into anger and paranoia with anything that could potentially reflect poorly on them. Their own negative self-image becomes magnified with the mere thought that someone else may think of them in a similar light. Although these thoughts are often self-generated and may not hold any truth at all, they will go to all costs to prevent themselves from being perceived in a negative manner. Rather than taking responsibility for their actions and thinking things through when a problem arises, they use anger as a defense mechanism to protect their fragile self-esteem. The anger is then directed at the problem itself or projected onto those around them. These people have a low threshold for becoming angry and appear to be perpetually stressed.

All actions have consequences including those that take place in the setting of anger A simple argument between two people may appear to be a benign display of anger, but it can aetua1ly have quite serious repercussions. Not too long ago, a college student and his friend were arguing in a dorm room and began throwing things at one other. The college student inadvertently threw a stone out the window and hit a boy who just happened to be passing by outside. The boy was rushed to the emergency room, but died shortly after his arrival After a police investigation, the college student was arrested and charged with manslaughter. He is now in prison for something that had started out so trivial but ended in the lass of human life

Tragedy is nothing new in the face of anger especially when it evolves into rage All sense of right and wrong is lost and the human being becomes capable of anything. One example is a true story that took place 20 years ago about a single mother of three small children living in the slums of New York City. Because of her social and financial situation, the young mother was easily irritable and frequently let her temper loose on the children. One day, she became irate with her two-year-old daughter and struck her down to the floor while the other children were locked in another room. The little girl was never seen again, but the other two children were so afraid of their mother's temper that they didn't dare to question her. The two children, a boy and a girl grew up in fear and when old enough moved out as quickly as they could. The man eventually married and had his own daughter. When she turned two, he began to think of his mother and brought his family back to New York to visit his childhood home. They were greeted by his mother at the door who suddenly became infuriated at seeing her small grandchild and started yelling at her.

The man took his child away for her protection but returned once again to find out what was going on with his mother. Neighbors said she had been become a recluse and talked only to herself, although she often complained to the landlord about a crying baby that constantly kept her up at all hours of the night. There, of course, was no such baby in the neighborhood. The man became suspicious and began to put two and two together regarding the mysterious disappearance of his baby sister so many years ago and his mother's odd behavior. A search warrant was obtained and when police broke into the house they found the corpse of a young girl stuffed in a suitcase in the mother's closet. She had been wrapped up in a plastic bag full of newspapers and mothballs. The mother finally confessed that she had knocked her daughter unconscious that day out of sheer rage when she had actually just meant to spank her. When she saw that the girl had stopped breathing, she panicked and hid her daughter's body away for the last twenty years. She, too, was carted off to prison where she will likely spend the rest of her days. As this example demonstrates, the dire consequences of anger are boundless.

A new type of anger that many of us have experienced at one time or another has been described in the media as "road rage". Surprisingly, the extent to which a person becomes angry is completely out of proportion to the degree of lapse in driving etiquette that provoked it. Imagine how quickly and intensely furious you become when someone suddenly cuts you off in the middle of the road. For most people, the feeling is transient and relevant only at that particular point in time. But in that split second when you are forced to brake or yield to some madman in front of you, your thoughts are, to put it lightly, less than pure. Although road rage is usually self-limited, it may prove to be more dangerous than the typical evolution into rage because of its everyday occurrence and social acceptance as part of the commuting experience. Less than a year ago, a cab driver was found not guilty after shooting a man in self-defense over a driving mishap. The man, who had been driving a minivan with his entire family in the car, was cut off by the cab driver in heavy traffic. Outraged, the man got out of his minivan in the middle of the standstill traffic and started to pound on the windshield of the cab, breaking some of the glass The cab driver felt his life was in danger, pulled out a gun and shot the man right there in front of his wife and children who could only watch in horror. Again, this is an extreme case but an important one nonetheless that illustrates, how destructive anger can be.

The less extreme cases of anger that we experience day-to-day still manage to take its toll on us both physically and emotionally. Headaches, joint pain, muscle aches, and generalized body tension commonly accompany such an emotional endeavor. And after you have experienced a bout of anger, you'll note that you become mentally exhausted and are unable to think clearly for a while. Certainly what we experience is less dramatic than the stories described above, but given the fact that those people were seemingly normal everyday citizens, consider what would happen if you should reach your breaking point. Anger eats at us little by little each time we give in to it. It deprives of us peace and calm. And though the fast heart rate, elevated blood pressure, clenched teeth, and hateful thoughts appear to be. limited in time and space, the emotional scar that remains is permanent.

It is one thing to intellectualize about the deleterious effects that anger may have on us, but it is another thing altogether to try and overcome it. Also important is learning how to deal with the anger of others, especially those who are close to you. But before you can help others you must first learn to help yourself. Begin by examining the nature of anger. Whenever something in our lives doesn't go as planned or is not to our liking, we recognize this as an adversity or a threat to our concept of the self. We then allow ourselves to become angry at its presence and proceed to express our displeasure in various ways. Now it is important to understand that the anger generated against the stimulus or event is not a fresh and spontaneous emotion that came out of nowhere. Rather, it is the accumulation of previous episodes of anger that has been stored away, only to be drawn out again with appropriate stimuli as a sort of pre-programmed response. It can be likened to a can of gasoline that you carry with you, just waiting for a spark to ignite it.

Once you start to understand the process of anger, you may learn how to control it at each step through meditation and mindfulness. The practice of meditation in which the mind becomes focused and calm decreases emotional tension. It brings peace and patience, which will raise your threshold for anger. Also, it can reduce the intensity of the auger after it is stimulated. Mindfulness cultivates vigilance of passing emotions, so that you may catch the sparks of anger before you get caught up in the fire of your overwhelming emotions. With full awareness of the mind, you will be able to retain self-control and hold back from that pre-programmed response you'd normally have. Mindfulness also brings wisdom, which is integral in truly understanding the nature of anger, why we react the way we do, and how to overcome it. With time, the anger will slowly fade from your heart and you will be at peace with all things.

Despite superficially understanding or acknowledging the visible effects of anger, some people continue to allow their anger get the best of them thinking it fulfills some emotional need. They feel that it is appropriate to show others how angry they can become so that others will change in response to their specific needs. These people lack a true understanding of what they are doing to others and themselves. This is where insight and wisdom play an important role. To refrain from anger and do away with it completely, you must have the insight and wisdom to understand fundamental concepts about life.

First, know and understand the concept of karma, the law of cause and effect. For every action in this universe, there is an equal and opposite reaction, which means that there is a reason for everything that happens to us. It is likely beyond our plane of understanding to try and figure out the how and why of every single event in our lives, as the concept of karma is extremely complicated and encompasses the actions of thousands of lifetimes. The point is that you shouldn't waste time and energy obsessing about why things happen to you and how unfair life is. Just accept the reality, do your best to resolve the issue, and move on.

Second, know and understand the concept of death. The Buddha once asked his student Ananda, "How many times a day do you think of death?" Ananda replied, " little more than ten times." The Buddha then told him, "You should think about death with every breath you take." Death is something that we take for granted; most of us feel we don't even need to think about death until we're old and ready to die. But the truth is we could die anytime or anyplace. It's a difficult thing to grasp and accept, especially when you are relatively young and in good health. However, there are some people who know this truth firsthand through a near-death experience or terminal disease. These people are able to accept their mortality and understand how precious life is. When they see that their time here is limited, they start living each day to its fullest potential. Anger for them as it should be for all of us is just a big waste of time and energy.

Finally, be compassionate and learn how to forgive. All wrongful actions are born out of ignorance and misunderstanding. This is true even of the most vile, evil, intentional act committed against another human being. If a person in their right mind truly knew and understood the consequences of their actions, they would not choose to do it again. Most crimes are committed by people out of fear, ignorance, or anger at their past or at the world. Although they may appear to get away with they did, they will in time receive their just punishment according to the law of karma. Again, the law of karma is quite complex and indirect; it is not for you to judge. Instead cultivate compassion towards a1l living beings and learn how to forgive others so that you can free your own heart from the chains of anger.

While you are trying to control your own anger, you also need to learn how to deal with the anger of others. The first thing you require is patience and a lot of it. For those who are close to you also give love and compassion. Most importantly, don't become angry with your loved ones when they are angry. If you feel you are not yet strong enough to handle their anger with love and compassion and patience, then the best thing for you to do is walk away. Otherwise, it is extremely difficulty to keep your own emotions in check while someone else's is out of control. If your mind is not strong enough, your attempts at pacification will fail and your patience will run thin. You will begin to be irritated or annoyed and may tell them to stop being angry. In their state of mind, they of course are unable to listen to reason and an argument will surely ensue. You in turn become defensive and now you are angry. At this point, it doesn't even matter who wins the argument, because both of you have lost control of your emotions; it's a lose-lose situation.

Again, you must learn to help yourself before you can help others through meditation and mindfulness. These are keys in helping you remain calm and patient when you’re around someone who is visibly angry. They also provide you with the insight to handle the situation appropriately. It is difficult enough to deal with your own anger, but sometimes it is even harder to deal with someone else's emotions. The first thing you should do is to scope out the situation carefully. Get a feel for the emotional state of the other person before you say anything. Then choose your words wisely; be encouraging and nonjudgmental. Ask the person what his opinion is on the matter before offering your own advice, and try to make this as normal a conversation as possible. If the other person starts to become irritated or angrier, then just back off and wait before responding to him. If however, he starts to lighten up, then gently make some suggestions or introduce your own ideas. Also, try to make it look like it was his idea to begin with so that he feels he is making his own decision. Slowly, there should be a change in his demeanor and he should begin to calm down. The anger will subside and then resolve. Obviously, this takes an extraordinary amount of patience and kindness. If you're not quite there yet, then just watch your own thoughts and emotions throughout the ordeal and keep your mind in balance.

In summary, don't wait until it's too late to control your anger. Many of us regret our words and actions that took place during a heated argument or intense situation We wish later that we could take it all back, but the damage has been done We have already hurt someone, and usually it's someone we love. There are many things throughout our day that could certainly make us angry That is why it is so important to be mindful of your thoughts and emotions at all times. Also, don't try to change anyone but yourself You are the only one who is responsible for your own emotional health. And don't judge or criticize others No one is perfect, including you. Just focus on catching your own thoughts and reactions before they catch you. Look deep within and try to find out the true reason behind your anger. The practice of meditation and mindfulness are paramount to your success in finding true peace, true happiness. Let go of all the anger in your heart and you shall be free.